How can this be?

How is it even possible that my worst-ever case of seasonal affective disorder is occurring on these few glorious days when it is over 60 degrees in January?!? Right now, it is (according to my computer) 66 degrees outside, sunny, gorgeous. I seriously could not get out of bed this morning. I felt like the whole world was pressing down on me. WTF?

Same deal yesterday, when I was cracked out and laid down at 11 am to take a nap, after finishing up Big Winter Break Project #2 (which was due a week ago). I slept until 4 pm, did not go on my scheduled run (the one I didn't do on Monday because I slept too late). And then I sat around all day, waiting for The Biggest Loser to come on. I did go buy textbooks and some veggies at the store (plus some other less healthy stuff), so it wasn't a total wash, but I still felt like a loser.

So, things are progressing very slowly, or maybe not at all. But I do have a few tricks up my sleeve to deal with the old SAD, as this is certainly not the first time I've gone through this. An everyday checklist of vitamins, coffee (or ginseng tea is even better), at least a little bit of cardio, st. john's wort, and putting on mascara to remind myself that I'm not a horrid snowbeast. These things do work when I can muster up the energy to do them. And if they don't fully fix the problem, I find an evening bubble bath with a glass of red wine will also perk me up. So far I've got the vitamins, coffee and st. john's wort going, so I just need to throw on a sports bra and clothes so that I will follow through on the working out. I MUST get in at least one outdoor jog in this gorgeous weather.

Also, I must go buy some fruit and veggies, and probably also some of my favorite cereal, to keep up with my diet. As soon as I run out of one thing, everything else goes to hell. This happened with the hummus I use for sandwiches and also the pears I usually have as my meal 2. So, must buy some more pears. I've been living on Trader Joe's meatless meatballs, with tomato sauce and peas - an easy and delicious, protein-eriffic 250ish calories.

I'm doing the 3fatchicks.com Biggest Loser challenge that starts at the end of this week, so I've got this idea in my head that I will kick things into high gear when Winter Break Project #3 is done and that starts, but since I've already entered my starting weight, it has technically already started. So, must get on that. I haven't been doing any exercise except running, but in the next few days I need to get back on the weightlifting and the cardio intervals (I use a stationary bike for this - it is the sweatiest, most red-faced embarrassing workout to do at the gym but it works like a charm). I am SO going to kick ass in this challenge. It kind of makes me wish I had fat friends to do weight loss competitions/collaboration with, but maybe having skinny friends makes me more motivated. Like they say, fat is contagious among friend groups. I totally believe that, since I am constantly rationalizing how much food I put in my mouth on the basis of how much people around me eat. Bad!

Major things to work on this week and even more so in the next few weeks when school starts: time management/scheduling, keeping my pantry stocked with on-plan food at ALL TIMES, and keeping that pesky winter depression crap under control.

I'm totally listening to Tropical Iceland right now.

It's one of the songs I listen to the most lately, mainly just because I have both versions (from Fiery Furnaces' EP and from Gallowsbird's Bark) on my itunes and because I put one of those on a mix I listen to tons lately.

Anyway, that's not the point of this post - the point is, I need to get on my time management. Funny for me to be saying that as I procrastinate by blogging and when I've been up for several hours and have done nothing but screw around online. But last night I stayed up until 4 doing my journal stuff, and then I couldn't sleep until like 6:30 (watched the Biggest Loser from last week that I had taped). And then, I slept until noon when a friend thankfully called and woke me up.

And now, it's after 3, which means that I don't really have enough time for my run before it gets dark (plus I don't really have a plan of where to do a 3-mi run outside; my fave Central Park route is 4, so I may end up just doing that). So, I'm putting it off until tomorrow. Which is ok, because that's what the weekend run is about, I can do it either day, and it's going to be warm tomorrow. But I have shizz to do, and I have plans tonight that involve drinking, which could make 3 miles less fun than today when I haven't had a drink in a couple days.

So, first step is changing out of PJs (yes at 3 pm), and doing some research for my paper. By tomorrow night I need to get journal assignment #2 out of the way, and I want to have also done some substantial research. And gotten my 3-miler in, and not eaten everything in sight after the party tonight. I am putting my foot down - no Chinese food, no Indian food, no chips & salsa. If I'm eating after the party tonight, it's going to be toast or something like that, that I already have in the house and that won't make me feel gross and fat in the morning.

See, it's all linked together. The level of organization in my apartment (not good), the procrastination (seriously bad), the diet (getting better but still needs work and commitment), and exercise (pretty good but clearly not on target yesterday or today). I need to get to point zero, where I feel like everything is ok and under control. I think I can do that in the next couple of days - it happened at the start of last semester, and it was awesome until I started skipping class 5 times a week to go have decadent interview lunches.... I need to stay on top of my school work and extracurriculars so that there doesn't come a time when I don't have enough spare time to grocery shop and work out. It's going to be tough because this semester is starting off so busy, but if I can make it work during moot court, then I can definitely keep it going once I get through that.

Down a few lb today, despite late-night eating (not that hi-cal, but salty). Hooray. It's got to be the kale and baked tofu - so tasty, high in fiber and super-nutritious. Tonight I've got a friend coming over and we'll either have brussels sprouts and tempeh or go to Chipotle. I'm generally in favor of not having to feed extra people since food is expensive, so Chipotle is pretty likely, or maybe we'll splurge and get Korean. We shall see - either way I think I can rein it in, plus I'll eat light during the day and have dinner once instead of twice. A girl's got to live, and my 3fatchicks.com challenge doesn't start until next week....

m1 (noon): kashi go-lean crunch, blueberries, coffee
m2 (2:30): pear, almonds
m3 (5): maybe some meatless meatballs and sauce, yum
m4 (7:30): probably veggie burrito or salad at Chipotle (don't eat that whole tortilla! it's 330 cal!)
m5: drinking and probably some toast with soy margarine (yum!) before bed

Blah-di-blah-blah

I set my life up, generally, in this way where I am stressed out all the time. I can't tell if I love being stressed, or if I just love the contrast between stress times and those times right after the stress is over. In any case, it's getting way out of hand and it needs to get under control. I am going to finish law journal assignment #1 tonight, then tomorrow spend some quality time doing research for my paper, and then Sunday spend most of the day doing journal assignment #2. At this rate, I can't wait for classes to start, since then my paper will be due and I can go back to just doing reading and showing up for class. Oy!

But on the fitness stuff... My weight is sky-high right now, which is mega-depressing just because I had lost so much last semester before I started gaining it all back and then some. But I'm trying not to sweat that, just because there is nothing I can do to make it all vanish right away. Plus I'm on the old rag, so hopefully after a few days of eating right, sticking to the running schedule and drinking lots of water, I'll see a big drop.

Running is going ok, although I learned my lesson for like the millionth time about the treadmill tonight. I get so bored staring at the wall (no tv, no windows at my less-than-no-frills college gym) and it's just excruciating putting those miles in. I made it 2.5 miles (part of that walking on an incline) before my towel fell and then mysteriously the damn treadmill stopped working. Err! And it was totally warm (for winter - 35ish) and sunny today so there is no reason why I didn't just go run outside. Tomorrow I will do that instead. If there are x more miles between me and home, you better believe I'm going to keep running so that it doesn't take all day to get there. Plus there are pretty people and things to look at on the way around the park.

Eating today was almost 100% OP, with the exception of some ryvita crackers and hummus, plus a bit of a Clif bar that was left over from the other night. No drinking, for the first time in a while.

M1: kashi go-lean crunch, blueberries, coffee
M2: almonds, pear
M3: hummus & veg sandwich on sprouty bread, carrots
M4: clif builder bar
M5: bit of a clif builder bar, ryvita crackers & hummus (while cooking), baked sesame tofu, kale
M6: baked sesame tofu, kale
total calories: 1550

Resolutioning

I do know the proper word is resolving, but on New Years it kind of seems like a different concept altogether. I've started this new blog because I want to turn over a new leaf and not have to see the old posts from when I let my BFL challenge get away from me because I was too stressed and over-committed. I don't generally put a whole lot of stock in New Years resolutions - I try to think more day-to-day and not set myself up for the kind of failure that makes you want to hibernate until next Dec 31's clean slate. But I have a lot of goals for this semester and the following year, so I'm going to put some of them down for posterity.

So, to keep this post brief and get my resolute little self to bed, here is the list:

1. Make it a top priority to take care of myself. This is a huge one which includes eating right, exercising just about every day, sleeping enough, and just doing the little things that make me feel comfortable and happy. Lose weight and (without becoming a totally vain narcissist) put some effort into my appearance. Stop whining about how expensive NYC haircuts are and just find a place that's worth the price.
   
2. Train for the Reykjavik Marathon in August. This has already started but I haven't really held myself strictly to the training schedule. Starting tomorrow (Jan 2, so really today) I am going to hold myself to 90% or so compliance with the schedule.
3. Start dating again. I got out of a relationship in April of 07 and then basically decided not to date for a while. I am definitely over the issues that made me want to stop dating, so I'm getting back out there ASAP.
4. Savor and enjoy and get the most of my classes and activities this semester. I have a bad habit of taking on too much and not being able to put my all into any one thing. I'm trying to avoid that, but it's hard to totally overcome it. It's going to be a struggle.
5. Get my application together for semester abroad, and head to Europe!
6. Make the most of my summer job - enjoy the summer in Boston, learn a lot, be the best lawyer-in-training that I can be, and assess which direction I see my career going in. Come away from it with a better idea of how I want my life to be in fall 09 when I start working for real.
7. Recognize great opportunities and go for them!
8. Celebrate and cherish my wonderful friends and family.